Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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