Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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