I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
