I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Watching her eat just hurts me
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
as a side note pls kill me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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