Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
