Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
