I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
