i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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