I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We have started to decorate penises.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
