My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
