He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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