Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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