she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
