I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
