How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
