I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
