They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
