she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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