I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
