I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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