Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
