Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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