I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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