Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
