I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
