Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
