i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
