I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
