the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
