I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
