Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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