i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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