I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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