i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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