I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
