he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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