AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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