Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
