You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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