Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
