so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
