I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Who died my cat blue again?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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