Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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