i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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