I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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