and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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