Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
