Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
