i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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