the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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