Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
