Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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