I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
