it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
