you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
